BEA'S BOOK NOOK "I can't imagine a man really enjoying a book and reading it only once." C. S. Lewis “If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.” ― Oscar Wilde

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Review & Giveaway: Dirty Deeds: An Urban Fantasy Collection by Faith Hunter, Diana Pharaoh Francis, Devon Monk, & R. J. Blain


Read As A Stand Alone:
Mostly
Publisher: Pen & Page Publishing
Source: publicist in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: January 12th, 2021
Buying Links: Amazon* | Apple Books* | Barnes & Noble | Book Depository | Google Books | Kobo
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

When the going gets tough, the tough get their hands dirty. Join NY Times Bestselling author Faith Hunter, USA Today Bestselling author R.J. Blain, and National Bestselling authors Diana Pharaoh Francis and Devon Monk on a wild romp where the damsels bring the distress and what can go wrong will go wrong.

Venture into a thrilling spinoff tale from the world of Jane Yellowrock; join vacationing gods in what appears to be a quiet, ordinary town; visit a supernatural hotel where the bedbugs could very well eat you; and dive into the zany, deadly world of the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series.

In this collection of all-new urban fantasy novellas and other stories, no job is too big or too small — if the price is right.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Somewhere Out There Charity Anthology & Giveaway!


Somewhere Out There: Indie Authors in Support of Immigrant Families
A Charity Anthology 

Publication date: August 21st 2018
Genres: Adult, Contemporary
Formats: ebook
Publisher: Bathory Gate Press

The more than 150 independent authors, editors, artists, and promoters involved in this charity volume series are donating 100% of all net proceeds to non-profit organizations supporting immigrant families detained at the United States borders, particularly charities working to reunite children separated from parents and organizations working to provide legal and humanitarian aid. Our goal is to help keep immigrant families together and unincarcerated.

The stories included range from contemporary romance to urban fantasy to paranormal romance to horror to comedy, and beyond–they’re as varied as the families and people whose dreams we want to support. The contributors come from all over the world, highlighting the international scope of this issue.

The stories we tell can help define who we are. Help us tell one of an international author and reader community coming together to support immigrant families.

Get your copy today!

* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.




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Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Excerpt & Giveaway: Saving Mr. Perfect by Tamara Morgan

Excerpt, Giveaway, Saving Mr. Perfect, Tamara Morgan, Bea's Book Nook

This is such a fun and engaging series I just had to share with you all. It's full of humor, romance, action, and family dynamics. It's funny, sweet, sexy, and serious. After you read the excerpt and enter the giveaway, pop over here to my read my review of "Saving Mr. Perfect".

Tamara Morgan is a contemporary comedy romance author. Ninety-nine percent of her information comes from television, movies, books, and all other pop culture activities that limit the amount of time she has to spend in polite company.

Her long-lived affinity for romance novels survived a B.A. degree in English Literature, after which time she discovered it was much more fun to create stories than analyze the life out of them. She lives with her husband and daughter in the Inland Northwest, where the summers are hot, the winters are cold, and coffee is available on every street corner.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Bea Reviews Of Cats and Men: Profiles of History's Great Cat-Loving Artists, Writers, Thinkers, and Statesmen by Sam Kalda

Bea's Book Nook, Review, Of Cats and Men, Sam Kalda
Publisher: Ten Speed Press
Source: the publisher in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: April 18th, 2017
Buying Links: Amazon* | Book Depository* | iTunes* | Barnes & Noble
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

A stylish, illustrated gift book from an award-winning artist that profiles notable cat-loving men throughout history in words and pictures.

Of Cats and Men presents a fresh approach to cat entertainment that’s smart, sweet, and driven by beautiful art (instead of tacky photography, as many cat books are). Appealing to both men and women, the “cat men” approach is a fun
twist on the “cat lady” stereotype and makes for a highly giftable book. The 30 men profiled range from writers and artists such as Haruki Murakami, T.S. Eliot, William S. Burroughs, and Ai Weiwei, to historical luminaries such as Sir Winston
Churchill, Nikola Tesla, and Sir Issac Newton. In addition to the portraits, the book features beautifully hand-lettered quotes about cats by some of the men, including Twain’s “When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without
further introduction.”

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Bea Reviews Hidden Universe Travel Guide: Star Trek: Vulcan by Dayton Ward

Bea's Book Nook, Review, Hidden Universe Travel Guide: Star Trek: Vulcan, Dayton Ward
Series: Hidden Universe Book 1
Publisher: Insight Editions
Source: the publisher in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: July 19, 2016
Challenges: NetGalley & Edelweiss Reading Challenge
Buying Links: Amazon* | Book Depository* | Barnes & Noble
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

Set in the Star Trek universe, this Hidden Universe travel guide explores all that Vulcan—Spock’s home planet—has to offer in an interactive guidebook.

Plan your next trip to the planet Vulcan! Find restaurants that serve the best fried sandworms and Vulcan port. Take a trip to the Fire Plains or experience spring break at the Voroth Sea. Learn all about the native Vulcan people and their unusual customs. Discover how to correctly perform the traditional Vulcan salutation (you really don’t want to get this wrong). Learn key Vulcan phrases such as Nam-tor puyan-tvi-shal wilat: “Where is your restroom?” Find out what to do if you suddenly find yourself host to a katra—a Vulcan’s living spirit—at an inconvenient moment. All this and more can be found within the pages of this essential travel guide to one of the most popular—and logical—destinations in the known universe.

This Hidden Universe travel guide draws on 50 years of Star Trek TV shows, films, and novels to present a comprehensive guide to Spock’s iconic home world. Modeled after real-world travel guides, the book will explore every significant region on Vulcan with fascinating historical, geographical, and cultural insights that bring the planet to life like never before. Also featuring a dynamic mixture of classic Star Trek imagery and original illustrations created exclusively for the book, Hidden Universe Travel Guide: Star Trek: Vulcan is the perfect way to celebrate 50 years of Star Trek and will thrill pop culture fans and hardcore Star Trek fans alike.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Interview & Giveaway: Jonathan Unleashed by Meg Rosoff

Interview, Giveaway, Jonathan Unleashed, Meg Rosoff, Bea's Book Nook


Author Meg Rosoff, an owner of two dogs herself, was recently awarded the prestigious Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award, and film rights for JONATHAN UNLEASHED have been optioned by Qwerty Films, with Michael Kuhn as producer (Being John Malkovich, The Duchess, Florence Foster Jenkins) with Rosoff writing the screenplay. Today I have a Q & A with the author and a print copy to give away. Make yourself comfy and enjoy!

Monday, September 7, 2015

Bea Reviews The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers by Dawn Dais

Publisher: Seal Press
Series: Sh!t No One Tells You #2
Source: the publisher in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: September 8, 2015
Challenges: NetGalley and Edelweiss ARCs
Buying Links: Amazon* | Book Depository* | OmniLit* | iTunes | Barnes & Noble
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

They’re getting bigger. And you’re not getting any more sleep.

Second in the Sh!t No One Tells You series, in The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers Dawn Dais tells it like it is – again – offering real advice for parents of growing children. Filled with tips, encouragement, and a strong dose of humor, The Sh!t No One Tells You About Toddlers is a survival handbook for parents on the edge.
Chapters include:

You Suck at This. It’s not just your imagination.

Walking Is Hard. Bruising is considerably less difficult.

Remember When You Judged Other Parents? Prepare to eat your words, with a side of karma’s a bitch.

Restaurants Are Battle Zones. Spoiler Alert: You are not the victor.

Kids Get Sick. Then everyone gets sick.

This Childhood Will Be Televised. Hello, camera phones.

Your TV Has Been Hijacked. By things with very high-pitched voices.

Coming from one empathetic parent to another, the tips in this book are real, clever, honest, and designed to make life with a terrible two- or three-year-old a little bit more manageable. Hilarious, helpful, and handy, this book will be appreciated by any parent who has asked: “Why didn’t anybody warn me that unconditional love would be so much work?”

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Bea Reviews Furry Logic, 10th Anniversary Edition by Jane Seabrook

Publisher: Ten Speed Press 
Format Read: hardcover
Source: Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: November 11, 2014
Buying Links: Amazon* | Book Depository* | OmniLit* | Barnes & Noble |
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

The adorable and high-profile Furry Logic series celebrates its 10th anniversary with a menagerie of illustrated animals and hilarious sayings about life, love, and everything in between.

     No one understands the ups and downs of life's little challenges better than the frisky critters of Furry Logic. The inspirational and tongue-in-cheek advice from series creator Jane Seabrook and her plucky animal characters will tickle the fancy and the funnybone of readers everywhere. Each intricately illustrated spread features a member of the animal kingdom with a unique take on life, from the adorably grumpy owl who advises "Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with" to the fluffy hawk who admonishes, "If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished." So join the original flock of penguins, bears, frogs, and more in celebrating a decade of wit and wisdom with ten new illustrated spreads for fans looking for fresh inspiration.
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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Bea Reviews Dragons Wild by Robert Asprin

Publisher: Ace Fantasy
Series: Dragons #1
Format Read: paperback
Source: the publisher in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: January 28, 2014
Buying Links: Amazon* | Book Depository* | OmniLit* | Barnes & Noble
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

First in a brand new series from the "New York Times" bestselling creator of the Myth and Phule novels.

A low-stakes con artist and killer poker player, Griffen "Grifter" McCandles graduated college fully expecting his wealthy family to have a job waiting for him. Instead, his mysterious uncle reveals a strange family secret: Griffen and his sister, Valerie, are actually dragons.

Unwilling to let Uncle Mal take him under his wing, so to speak, Griffen heads to New Orleans with Valerie to make a living the only way he knows how. And even the criminal underworld of the French Quarter will heat up when Griffen lands in town.
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Monday, May 19, 2014

Quote-Tastic #47 Antitank missiles and Exploding Garbage Trucks, Oh My!


Join us every Monday and share a favorite quote that's grabbed you for one reason or another. Everyone's welcome to join in - authors, bloggers, readers. The more the merrier! Just grab the button and put up your post :) Don't have a blog? No worries, just leave your favorites in the comment section.  Quote-tastic is hosted by Herding Cats & Burning Soup.

Years ago, a co-worker introduced me to the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. For several years I enjoyed it then it got repetitive and I stopped reading. But, the early books had some good quotes and choosing only one is difficult. This is from "High Five", which is also book five.

"Uh oh," Lula said. "All the king's horses and all the king's men aren't gonna put that Porsche back together again." 
"I don't get it," the driver said. "It was only a scratch. I hardly scraped against your car. Why would it explode like that?"
"That's what her cars do," Lula said. "They explode. But I gotta tell you this was the best. This here's the first time she exploded a garbage truck. One time her truck got hit with an antitank missile. That wasn't bad either, but it couldn't compare to this."

I hauled the cell phone out of my bag and dialed Morelli.


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Monday, March 10, 2014

Quote-Tastic #39 Even in Heaven, there's a dress code.


Join us every Monday and share a favorite quote that's grabbed you for one reason or another. Everyone's welcome to join in - authors, bloggers, readers. The more the merrier! Just grab the button and put up your post :) Don't have a blog? No worries, just leave your favorites in the comment section.  Quote-tastic is hosted by Herding Cats & Burning Soup.

This is from a satirical short story by Krista D Ball. The story is called "Heaven, Inc". In this scene, several angels are having a conversation.

"Why do you insist on us wearing this modern nonsense?"
William slipped a finger around his collar to rescue his throat from the necktie's noose. He hated the new dress code as much as anyone, having worn snappy waistcoats for hundreds of years. "Don't blame me. It's HR's decision."
Both men stared at Rachel.
"What?" She asked, and then sighed when the men wouldn't break their stares. "The dress code really wasn't my doing. I only asked that we cut down on fabric expenses, since the French girls from the revolution were eating up most of the budget. I had no idea this would be result. I preferred my afternoon tea gowns to this"- she motioned to her gray jacket and skirt set,"-modern obscenity."
Owain scowled. "This is why we kept our women pregnant. They were too busy popping out babies to make decisions."


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Monday, March 3, 2014

Quote-Tastic #38 Wait, it's unfair to leave a girl not quite dry!


Join us every Monday and share a favorite quote that's grabbed you for one reason or another. Everyone's welcome to join in - authors, bloggers, readers. The more the merrier! Just grab the button and put up your post :) Don't have a blog? No worries, just leave your favorites in the comment section.  Quote-tastic is hosted by Herding Cats & Burning Soup.

I read a light and fluffy paranormal romance, "A Witch's Handbook to Kisses and Curses", by Molly Harper. I loved her Naked Werewolf series and liked the sound of this so I got it from my library. It had lots of funny scenes and lines, picking one was hard. 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Jax Reviews Misbehaving by Tiffany Reisz

Publisher: Cosmo Red Hot Reads from Harlequin
Format Read: ebook
Source: from publisher in exchange for an honest review
Release Date: February 11th 2014         
Buying Links: Amazon*Barnes & Noble
* affiliate links; the blog receives a small commission from purchases made through these links.

Blurb from goodreads:

Wanted: Adventurous, open-minded man willing to try anything…

As a popular sex blogger, Beatriz gets paid to have orgasms. So being on deadline the week of her sister’s wedding isn’t as rough as it sounds. There’s just one hitch: Bea’s assignment is to write a review of a sex position manual, but she doesn’t have a plus one to play with.

The good news: Ben, the one who got away back in college, is also attending stag--and he's as temptingly gorgeous as ever.

The bad news: Ben turned down Bea’s offer of graduation night sex five years ago.

The best news: He’s not planning on making the same mistake twice.

*

A red-hot retelling of Much Ado About Nothing for people who love Shakespeare but thought his plays could use a few more sex scenes.


Friday, August 9, 2013

Interview with Dr. Joe Wenke, author of "You Got to be Kidding!"


Today's interview is with Dr. Joe Wenke, who wrote a satire on the Bible, "You Got To Be Kidding Me!" It's in my TBR and sooner or later I'll get it read and reviewed. I was a philosophy and religion major at college and I'm a religious liberal so this book calls to me.

JOE WENKE is an outspoken and articulate LGBTQ rights activist. He is the founder and publisher of Trans Ãœber, a publishing company with a focus on LBGTQ rights, free thought and promoting equality for all people.  Wenke is the author of Mailer’s America and You Got to be Kidding! The Cultural Arsonist's Satirical Reading of the Bible. His next book, Papal Bull: An Ex-Catholic Calls Out the Catholic Church, will be published this fall along with his first novel, The Talk Show.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Double Review of Secret Lives of Princesses by Phillipe Lechermeier


  • Publisher: Sterling
  • Format Read: Hardcover
  • Publication date: 6/1/2010
  • Purchasing links: Barnes and Noble Amazon
Blurb from the back of the book:
Revealed for the first time in history...the secret lives of princesses you've never heard of.
Stepping from the shadows at last are such unique and captivating characters as Princess Claire Voyant, who can see into the future, but always muddles her predictions. Then there's Princess Tangra-la, known for her exquisite dancing and Princess Babbling Brooke, who chatters on about everything and nothing. And who wouldn't want to meet the Princess of the Disorient, who invents all manner of nonsensical celebrations?
Reviewed by: Jax and Lil Miss -  Ok...I've been MIA for quite some time, but this is a book my 8 year old daughter and I have enjoyed together. Thought it would be fun to share her thoughts as well as mine.
Lil Miss’s thoughts:
I like the Secret Lives of Princesses because of all the different princesses. Each princess is special in their own special way. Some are even related to other princesses, ones whose stories we know.  I like how it’s illustrated. It has things that princesses wear, like crowns and tiaras. It shows some of the different kinds of castles, too. I like the way they are named. They are sometimes silly. I love the fan alphabet, it’s funny. The real reason I like this book is because of the Princesses, it says on the cover that these are the stories of Princesses that have never told. It was nice to hear new stories. This book is awesome to me and this I hope you like this book as much as me.

Jax’s thoughts:
I’m not the girliest of girls, but my Lil Miss is. So after a deluge of princess books over the years, it’s about time we found one that I not only can tolerate for more than one reading, but one that I keep going back to read again. The humor and whimsy of this book is priceless. And the illustrations bring to mind Tim Burton, Edward Gorey and Mary Engelbreit. Bright colors, eerie faces and slightly odd body proportions. And yet completely endearing. Every page has lovely details, both in the art and the prose. I invite you to come meet Princesses Miss Hap, and Molly Coddle. Learn about the mystery that is Prince S. This book makes me want to be a princess. I don’t think I’ve said that in years, if ever. Inventive, eccentric, wonderful. Definitely one of my favorite kids books. I’m not sure I’ll let the little one take this with her when she grows up. Even if it was her birthday present. :D
The Lil Miss owns this book.
Oh, and check out the book's site when you have a chance. It has some fun games.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Review of What Kings Ate and Wizards Drank by Krista D. Ball

Publisher: Tyche Books
Format Read: epub and PDF
Release Date: November 1, 2012
Buying Links:  Amazon   Tyche Press   Barnes & Noble

Book Blurb (from goodreads):
A Fantasy Lover's Food Guide
Equal parts writer’s guide, comedy, and historical cookbook, fantasy author Krista D. Ball takes readers on a journey into the depths of epic fantasy’s obsession with rabbit stew and teaches them how to catch the blasted creatures, how to move armies across enemy territories without anyone starving to death, and what a medieval pantry should look like when your heroine is seducing the hero.

Learn how long to cook a salted cow tongue, how best to serve salt fish, what a “brewis” is (hint: it isn’t beer), how an airship captain would make breakfast, how to preserve just about anything, and why those dairy maids all have ample hips.

What Kings Ate will give writers of historical and fantastical genres the tools to create new conflicts in their stories, as well as add authenticity to their worlds, all the while giving food history lovers a taste of the past with original recipes and historical notes.
 
Quote:
If time is of the essence, your hero will not have time to field dress a dear, locate water (unless he's following an uncontaminated stream or river), fish, or club a baby seal and make a fur coat. Yet, how many of us have read fantasy books where the heroes have done all this and still had enough time to seduce the assassin traveling with them?

My eighty-three-year old father has been hunting most of his life and he offers this advice to the hero wanting to hunt rabbits while being chased by orcs: go hungry.
Reviewed By: Bea

Bea's Thoughts:

Ball has a wicked sense of humor and it shines through in this book. This is not a formal textbook or treatise but a conversational look at common myths and mistakes in historical and fantasy books concerning food and eating. She points out common errors but doesn’t cite books or authors, letting them stay anonymous. She limits her scope to Northern Europe in the early Middle Ages, and freely admits that her bachelor’s degree in history doesn’t make her an expert. She did a lot of research for the book and it shows. I enjoyed it tremendously and will be looking with a closer eye now when I’m reading historical books or fantasies.
 
In societies where wood stoves were used, apples could be sliced and hung on strings over the stove, the warmest and dries part of the house. Mushrooms, likewise, can be threaded with a needle and twine, and hung over the hearth or stove. (You won’t want to do this in a Steampunk story or  any urban-based story with coal. Coal stoves eventually coat everything in black soot that tastes really foul. Follow the advice of Mrs. Beeton (a Victorian cookery guru) and put the drying goodies in the wooden cupboards near the stove, where spices and salt were stored. Still warm, but less soot.) These small details can be twisted and massaged into making a lovely setting.

My one gripe about the book and the reason it’s four stars instead of five is the copy editing. There are numerous errors, all of them sloppy. It hasn’t been a problem with her other books so I assume the publisher is responsible for not catching and fixing them.
 
…the hot desert sun was prefect for laying fish out on the roofs of houses to dry.
Smoking and salting is the most common methods…
If potatoes were not in the diet, than bread and beer would…
I quickly became aware that it was so more complex than dealing with…
Never in my life have I felt more in line with the Romans, the original Borg from Star Trek,…

Apart from the numerous proofreading and copy editing errors, I found the book to be fun, enjoyable, useful and easy to use. I recommend it for anyone who writes historical books or fantasies or to readers who are curious. Just be sure to have your red pen ready.
 
I received the Epub and PDF from the author. I’ve also ordered the print copy.

This review first appeared at BookTrib

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Review of Bah, Humbug! A Romantic Comedy Novella by Heather Horrocks

Publisher: Word Garden Press
Format Read: Kindle
Release Date: November 9, 2011
Buying Links:  Amazon   Barnes & Noble 

Book Blurb (from goodreads):
Lexi Anderson is an up-and-coming, Martha Stewart-type TV hostess whose two kids love the Jared Strong adventure novels, which happen to be written by their new neighbor, Kyle Miller. For the first time in his writing career, Kyle has writer’s block--until he sees the snowman on his lawn and realizes it’s the perfect solution to his plot problem. He digs in and discovers two things: one, his villain’s weapon will fit inside a snowman's body, and two, this particular snowman was supposed to be the backdrop for Lexi’s next show. From this improbable beginning comes friendship, but can there be a happy ending for a woman who is afraid to get close again and a man who has shadows from his childhood? Families join together and hearts are healed as this couple goes walking in a winter wonderland.
Reviewed By: Bea

Bea's Thoughts:

Do you like marshmallows? Looking for a easy read where you can let go of reality and float along? Give this story a read. If you're in a critical mood, pick another book. :D

That seems harsh, I know. It's a cute, sweet fluffy tale of a whirlwind romance that has little to no tension and what tension there is seemed unrealistic. The heroine's children get along perfectly, they behave all the time (despite a huge upheaval in their lives), there's a predictable, by-the-numbers misunderstanding between the hero and heroine at the beginning, and in within a week, they meet, fall in love and get engaged. I just didn't find it realistic. 

The hero doesn't like Christmas, for understandable reasons, but it's both convenient and manipulative. (Without going into spoilers, my family and I have had the same sort of event occur at two different holidays. I resent an author so blatantly manipulating my feelings instead of putting time and effort into story and character development.)


Huh, the more I write, the less I like the story. As I read it, I rolled my eyes a lot and was critical but I also laughed and teared up. "Bah, Humbug!" is a quick read, cute and sugary sweet. If you want depth and believability, this isn't the book for you. Also, for a story of this length, there were too many typos and copy editing errors. I know, one or two are almost inevitable, but the proofing seemed rushed on this one.

I own this ebook.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

What happens when you lose a bet

No, not me. I don't bet unless you count the occasional raffle ticket. No, this was author Krista D Ball. She's a regular on the blog, between guest posts and my reviews of her books. Earlier this year Krista was tipsy, or even flat-out drunk and fellow author Debora Geary took advantage of her tipsy state and made a bet with Krista about her most recent book, "What Kings Ate and Wizards Drank". Krista must have been very tipsy, as she bet against herself. If the book sold X number of copies in the first month, Krista would make a video of herself singing "You Are My Sunshine" and post it on YouTube. The book sold and earlier today Krista posted the video. So, if you want a laugh, check it out.


Three Things Vampires Don't Want You To Know: Guest Post & Giveaway by Helen Keeble


Today I have author Helen Keeble sharing some secrets about vampires. Helen is not, and never has been, a vampire. She has however been a teenager. She grew up partly in America and partly in England, which has left her with an unidentifiable accent and a fondness for peanut butter crackers washed down with a nice cup of tea. She now lives in West Sussex, England, with her husband, daughter, two cats, and a variable number of fish. To the best of her knowledge, none of the fish are undead.

Author Links:

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Vampires aren't real. If they were, they couldn't stay hidden for long, right? Thanks to the endless books, films, and TV shows filled with vampiric lore, we all know how to recognise a bloodsucker. And we all know their weaknesses - sunlight, beheading, fire, stakes, athletic teenage girls, holy water, garlic…

Or maybe that's just what the vampires want you to think are their weaknesses.

Delve a little deeper into traditional vampiric folklore, and there are a lot of weird things that don't appear in our modern vampire fiction. Things that maybe the vampires want to keep quiet…

1) They're just like unicorns

No, not because vampires are also beautiful and sparkly. Because, like unicorns, vampires are terrified of virgins. In fact, while unicorns are irresistibly drawn to virgins, according to Romanian folklore virgins are irresistibly drawn to vampires.

Actually, this is true in a lot of paranormal romances too, now that I come to think of it.

Anyway, all you have to do is stick a virgin on a white (or possibly black - sources vary) horse, and they'll be able to lead you straight to the grave of the nearest vampire. And if you use a woman older than 25, she’ll even be able to kill the vampire for you as well. Just get her to whip the vampire's grave with a hazel twig, and the bloodsucker will never be able to rise again.

Basically, older female virgins are homing missiles of mass vampire destruction. No wonder literature is full of vampires desperately trying to romance young girls. They have to neutralize them!

2) They float

"Big deal," I hear you say, rolling your eyes. "Ducks float. Boats float. What's so special about vampires floating?"

Because, according to our friend Romanian folklore again, vampires always float. They literally can't sink.

Folklore boringly suggests using this trait to determine if someone is a vampire by tossing them in a river, but just think of the many other uses for this peculiar property...

"This is the captain speaking. Unfortunately we have hit an iceberg and water is now pouring through the hull, but there is no need to be alarmed! The vampires strapped under the Titanic's hull make this ship literally unsinkable. While we repair the hole, please enjoy complimentary cocktails on the aft deck, and ignore the muffled screams of the tormented undead underneath your feet."

Vampires would definitely want to keep this one quiet. No bloodsucker wants to spend eternity stuffed under an airplane chair as an emergency floatation device.

3) You're probably always carrying the means to defeat one

Check your pockets or purse. Got some spare change? Maybe a half-eaten packet of breath mints? A tissue?

Congratulations! You can stop a charging vampire in his tracks.

All you have to do is fling a handful of small objects at him, and he'll be compelled to stop in order to count them all. No, really. The technical term for this behaviour is arithmomania, and it crops up everywhere in vampire folklore, all around the globe.   Poland, Romania, China, India, pretty much everywhere has legends about obsessive-compulsive vampires. Though curiously, it seems to have fallen out of favour in modern vampire fiction. (Jeri Smith-Ready's vamps are also OCD ~ Bea)

Apart, of course, from one famous case:



There you go. Incontrovertible proof that Sesame Street is written by vampire hunters, who are determined to make sure children everywhere know vampires' real weakness.

And now you do too.

P.S. Yes, I really do use one of these pieces of vampire folklore in my novel FANG GIRL. And no, I'm not going to tell you which one…

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Author: Helen Keeble
Publisher: HarperTeen
Release Date: September 11, 2012
Genre: YA, Urban Fantasy, Humor
Format: paperback, ebook
Length: 352 pages, 463 KB
Buying Links:  Amazon   The Book Depository   Barnes & Noble

Book Blurb (from author): 

Things That Are Destroying Jane Greene’s Undead Social Life Before It Can Even Begin:

1) A twelve-year-old brother who’s convinced she’s a zombie.
2) Parents who are begging her to turn them into vampires.
3) The pet goldfish she accidentally turns instead.
4) Weird superpowers that let her rip the heads off of every other vampire she meets.(Sounds cool, but it doesn’t win you many friends.)
5) A pyschotic vampire creator who’s using her to carry out a plan for world domination.

And finally:
6) A seriously ripped vampire hunter who either wants to stake her or make out with her. Not sure which.

Being an undead, eternally pasty fifteen-year-old isn’t quite the sexy, brooding, angst-fest Jane always imagined....

Helen Keeble’s riotous debut novel combines the humor of Vladimir Tod with Ally Carter’s spot-on teen voice. With a one-of-a-kind vampire mythology and an irresistibly relatable undead heroine, this uproarious page-turner will leave readers bloodthirsty for more.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Review of Even White Trash Zombies Get the Blues by Diana Rowland

Publisher: DAW
Series: White Trash Zombie #2
Format Read: Paperback
Release Date: July 3, 2012
Buying Links:  Amazon   Barnes & Noble  The Book Depository

Book Blurb (from goodreads):
Angel Crawford is finally starting to get used to life as a brain-eating zombie, but her problems are far from over. Her felony record is coming back to haunt her, more zombie hunters are popping up, and she’s beginning to wonder if her hunky cop-boyfriend is involved with the zombie mafia. Yeah, that’s right—the zombie mafia.
Throw in a secret lab and a lot of conspiracy, and Angel’s going to need all of her brainpower—and maybe a brain smoothie as well—in order to get through it without falling apart.

Reviewed By: Bea

Quote:
I packed up my stuff-including the study guide, the pages and pages of problems I'd worked under Nick's watchful eye, and the "homework" he'd assigned me-and headed out to NuQuesCor.
As angry as I was at Marcus, I wasn't stupid enough to ignore what he'd said about violating my probation. I knew something weird was going on at that lab, but any attempt to sneak in would definitely rank up there with some of the stupider things I'd done in my life-and I'd done some hugely stupid shit, trust me.
Therefore, I wasn't going to do any sneaking at all. Well, maybe a teensy bit. But I wasn't going to break any laws. Or at least I wasn't planning to break any laws. With my history, it was probably best not to make sweeping statements like, This will be totally legal!
Bea's Thoughts:

Okay, first of all, I love this cover!!! The color, the design, the concept, everything. The cover really conveys what the book is about and what you can expect. If I weren't already reading the series, that cover would have grabbed me for sure.

If you have read Rowland's Demon series, this isn't it. :D Like those books, there's a mystery and Rowland's real life experience as a police officer, a crime scene investigator, and a morgue assistant add layers of realism that many paranormal mystery books are lacking. But these books are more light-hearted, more humorous, and deal with zombies plus unlike most urban fantasy or paranormal books, the lead, Angel, is distinctly lower class. That's a refreshing change and Rowland doesn't patronize, demonize, heh heh, or glorify being lower class but offers what feels like a genuine portrayal. Angel has made mistakes in the past and in this book they come back to make her life miserable but she doesn't give up, she keeps trying. I liked that, while she was disappointed and sometimes downcast, she didn't whine about her circumstances. She accepted that her mistakes wouldn't just disappear but neither did she lay down and give up, she kept going.

Angel is adjusting well to being a zombie and is starting to think about her future; potentially she could live hundreds of years. There are cracks in her romance with Marcus including his failure to take her seriously. In this book, she proves that she's smarter, certainly more clever, than her past behavior might indicate. The plot gets convoluted at times but it was exciting, Angel discovers she's a bad ass, we get a reasonable sounding explanation of how zombies are created, there's intrigue and betrayal, plot lines are introduced that have great potential and the story is a pleasure to read. It did drag a little in the middle but happily that was brief and soon the story was back on track. It was one of those books where I stayed up late to finish it.

I don't recommend reading this until you have read the first book but if you like urban fantasy with a little humor, you have to read this series. It's original, fun, smart and a heck of a ride. 

I borrowed this paperback from my local library.